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27th July
I am officially done.
Finished with it all.
Met up. Got my wedding ring back. Told him I don’t want to see him anymore. Or talk. Or text. Or anything. Back to no contact. It all exploded out of me. A tsunami of all the thoughts I haven’t been able to vocalise.
I liked it. Felt good. Real good. Told him that I was all out of patience. No longer able to accommodate him. Wrung dry of any last lingering drops of kindness. I’m living on my terms now. And he is not welcome in this life.
YES. Feel like I’m flying. Empowered. Kind of ecstatic. Ready to move on. Letting him go. Not something I ever thought I’d have to do. Never imagined what it would feel like. Fucking painful.
But it’s good. All good.
29th July
Finally snapped at work today. At Cormac. He asked me to try on a dress he bought. For his wife. Apparently, I’ve the same figure as she does. Wanted to see if it would suit her.
Eh. What? No. Inappropriate. Disgusting. Ew. Also, don’t think he’s married. God help the poor woman if he is. Didn’t mince my words. Was perhaps a little too harsh with it. Called him a gross old man.
HIS FACE. He went white as a sheet. It crumbled then, till he looked like a grumpy turtle. Grappled with his words. Spluttered a little about how that was no way to talk to a manager; he was only asking for a favour. Then he stormed off.
I know he’s going to cut my already basically non-existent hours. Saw his eyes darken with vindictiveness. An inhuman glaze over them. Fury at being told no. Whatever. I stand by what I say. Also. Should probably look for a new job. But can’t right now. Soon.
Been thinking about what my therapist said. When I described my separation to her as “surreal”. Said it sounds like I haven’t started processing it yet. Which is crazy. How? How is that even possible?
Anyway. I’m getting there.
I’m going on a date later. Feels weird. Been ten years since I’ve been on a first date. Ten years! Feel like dating has changed a lot since my day. That makes me sound old. But, panic. What do I do? What do I wear? What do I say? What are the rules and regulations? I’m so lost. It’s been too long. I’m nervous.
It’ll be fine. Doing it for the plot. A new experience. No expectations.
I am worried about how to bring up the whole “I’m recently separated” of it all. I mean, I probably won’t. But how do I talk about my life without mentioning Shane? He’s in every story I have. Almost every experience I’ve lived through, there he is. Always with me. An omnipresence in my life. Can be difficult to get through a conversation without mentioning him.
Also. Feel like I’ll be judged for being cheated on. Like I somehow failed at being a wife. Like, people will assume I drove him to it. Have judgements about me. All that. I know I don’t have to tell people. But it’s made a dent in my confidence, for sure. And by dent, I mean it’s shattered it into a million irreparable shards.
It’s embarrassing. To have been cheated on. Really fucking embarrassing.
My friends are saying it’s not. That Shane’s the one who should be embarrassed. And yeah. Obviously. But I don’t know. Still feels like a scorn on my name.
Anyway. It’s good. It’s all good.
3rd August
Something crazy happened today. At work.
A customer went feral at me because I couldn’t accept his return. Lost his mind. Was coated in a thin layer of his disgusting spit by the time he huffed out of the shop. All red-faced, still muttering, embittered about the unjustness of it all.
That’s not the crazy part. That's a pretty standard retail experience. Although, can’t say I’m getting much experience. My hours have been cut to less than ten a week. Hardly bolstering up the finances in the way I’d hoped. Cormac is being very tactless in his effort to get me to quit. The bruised ego on him. It’s pathetic, to be honest. Seriously pathetic.
Anyway. Next customer in line was lovely. She heard the whole interaction. Was sympathetic. Told me she runs a school, so has to deal with pissy customers as well.
This is the crazy part… Her school. Is a dance school. Told her I’m a dancer. Chatted away for a while.
Here is the even CRAZIER part. She is Grainne’s sister! Runs the Dublin school. Told her about the Galway job offer situation. Next thing you know, she’s offered me a job at her school. Accepted it before she finished asking. Easiest yes I’ve ever said in my life. Including my proposal.
What are the chances? That’s some serious serendipity. Or something. Starting next week. Part-time at first, just helping out. But still. Handing in my notice to Cormac was a moment I truly relished. The icing on the cake. I was dramatic about it. Gave a hair flick. Very main character.
Bounced home.
It’s happening. It’s all falling into place. Feel it in the air. A tangible stitching together of all my dreams.
Don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy. Wake up every morning with a bubble of euphoria in my chest. Swelling with anticipation at what’s to come. Feel a little invincible, actually. Like nothing can ever hurt me again. Dancing above my physical body in a state of pure delirium. Barely need to sleep or eat; just boundless with energy, like I’m being kept alive by pure excitement.
Date with the second guy was good. Don’t think I’ll see him again, though. He’s boring.
6th August
I’ve done so much today. It’s only two. Keeping busy.
Choreographed a new dance. So fun. Feel like I’m back in my skin. No longer dissociating. Like roots grew up from the ground, wrapped themselves around my feet and anchored me back into myself. My body feels like mine again. Like home again. Maybe more than it ever did. Hard to explain. Don’t spend time hating it anymore. Which I did. For so long. Constantly. But now. I don’t know. I’m just grateful it’s keeping me going.
Went to a yoga class this morning. The teacher was talking about what it does to us when we are constantly going against the flow of our natural state. Resisting our true selves. She was saying the world is set up in such a way that it becomes impossible to be guided by our intuition. Too many external forces dictate our next move. Think I’ve spent my whole adult life in a state of resistance. Dragged into a life I never wanted. Getting sidetracked by obligations. Other people’s opinions got me lost down paths that pulled me further from my aligned state.
If Old Me heard someone talk like that, she would have rolled her eyes so far back into her head that they may just have got stuck there forever. But I don’t know. All these spiritual folks. They’re onto something.
Reminded me of a fight I had with Shane. At the start of all this. When I said I didn’t want to work corporate anymore. Wanted to focus on dancing. Building something for myself.
He told me I was always looking for the next thing. Never happy. Never content just with him. That he was forever in competition with whatever goal I had, whatever dream I was striving towards. Whatever, as he called it, “notion” I’d got into my head.
Felt bad at the time.
Realise now that he just wasn’t able to love all of me. Only the parts he could control. Contain. Was resentful, or intimidated maybe, by my independence. Didn’t like that there could exist a version of me who is happy without him.
Well, there is. And she’s here.
Haven’t thought about him in ages. Enters my thoughts like a background character, fleetingly, no emotion attached to his memory. Just a part of my past. I do worry about him sometimes. Wonder how he’s doing. Out of habit. Have to remind myself that it’s not my problem. Not my job to care anymore. He’s hurt me too much. Think he pushed me so far, hoping he could hurt me and hurt me and I’d be so broken that I’d have no choice but to run back to him.
He did the opposite. Pushed me too far. Off a cliff. Forced me to spread my wings. Like, the only thing pinning them down was him.
Now that I’m not sad anymore, I’m getting very cringy. Maybe I need to start writing poetry? Thank God for this journal. Might be tempted, otherwise, to post on social media or something. That wouldn’t age well. At least here, the embarrassment is contained. For my eyes only.
13th August
Loving my new job. Only been two days, but so far, so good. Really fun. Cool people. All dancers, as well. They don’t know anything about me. Might be the best part of it. Although. Doesn’t take long for my baggage to surface. They ask why I left New York or something. Hard to avoid the Shane of it all. But I can talk about it. Laugh it off. It’s fine.
I’m okay. I really am okay. I’m over it. I read that people can take years to get over a marriage. Seems strange. For it to take that long. I’m glad I dealt with it so quickly. That I can move on with my life. A better life. Beyond the pain. More fun. More joy. So much more energy.
I sound a bit unhinged, I think. I do feel a little crazy sometimes. Like I’ve detached from reality. Half-expect my family to sit me down. Stage an intervention. Catch them looking at me strangely. Like they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have to work hard to convince them I’m good. Kind of funny.
I guess they’re expecting me to fall back into a depression or something. But I don’t think so. I don’t see that happening. I hope not, anyway.
Really hope that I stay like this. Forever.
Thank you for reading!
New story coming Friday, 10th July!
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