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17th August
Saw Shane last night. Was bound to happen. Still share most of our friends. Got to the bar having convinced myself he wouldn’t show up. But there he was.
He looked good. Really good. Weird to see him again. Not like that much time has passed, but in some ways, it does seem like a lifetime since we were married.
Felt like a scene from a movie when we locked eyes. That moment at the end of La La Land, when Sebastian and Mia see each other in the jazz bar. Like that. Everything around us disappeared. Instantly. Only we remained in our shared gaze, memories dancing between us.
Running through my head then were all the reasons I fell in love with him.
Like when you see a photo from childhood. Of you playing with your favourite toy, one you had all but wiped from your memory. Suddenly that long-buried attachment resurfaces, potent as it was.
Or hearing, again, a song you were once obsessed with. Acts as a time capsule. You become awash with the euphoria of what it felt like to belt out the lyrics with the full force of your lungs.
We hugged. Which was strange. Muscle memory almost had me leaning up for a kiss. Felt drawn to him, irresistibly so, as if magnetic electrons were pulling us towards each other.
Chatted for ages. Most of the night, actually. It was easy. Nice. Effortless to have fun with him. A rotating buffet of inside jokes, shared references and thoughts communicated through facial expressions. Riding the same wavelength from one conversation to the next. It’s not like that with anyone else. The people I’ve dated. They’re fine. Nice and all that. Mostly. But not the same. Not him. Feels always a little awkward. Hollow, even. But with Shane. He just gets it. Gets me. Don’t need to explain anything. No fear of being misunderstood.
Dawned on me then, the fact that I’ll not find love like that again. Ever. It won’t be the same. The carefreeness of it all. Unburdened by baggage, expectations, or fear. Just the two of us barrelling hand in hand towards a future we believed in, with all the vigour of youth.
Anyway. It’s a bizarre contradiction to be living in, this dizzying concoction of grief and joy. Caught somewhere between two opposing but equally real truths.
I am so much happier now. Truly. I don’t want him back. I have no desire to return to my old life. I’m glad, grateful even, that we broke up.
But also. I miss what we had. It was real, and special and wonderful. And I’ll never have that again.
As Amy said. Once in a lifetime. Really hate that I’m quoting her, but broken clocks and all that.
But it’s okay. I guess the romance part of my life came young, stayed briefly and left quickly. And yeah. Now it’s time for something else. Just wish I knew what that something else was.
Everything’s feeling a little blurry again since I saw him. Hoping that will pass soon.
19th August
5 months today. Not focusing on it, though.
Feeling pretty down right now. Trying to snap myself out of it. But it’s difficult. None of the usual shit is working. Not even the tarot cards. They’re singing the same old song.
“Stop seeking external validation.”
So unhelpful. There’s only so many times I can tell myself I’m amazing till I start to feel like a lunatic. I want to escape. Again. But have realised now that what I’m trying to escape is in my own head.
I’m not as okay as I thought I was.
Cancelled the date I had planned for tomorrow. Not because of Shane. Maybe partly. But. I don’t know. Things were getting a little real. Would have been my fourth date with that graphic designer guy who kept quoting The Simpsons. He was lovely, actually. We had fun. Except for that weird moment where he tried to convince me that tampons were poisonous. He’d heard about “free-bleeding”. Thought it was all the rage. Spoken, truly, like someone who has never had a period. Extremely daft behaviour. Anyway. Aside from that, he was sweet. But was starting to get needy. Freaked me out. Didn’t like the idea of him getting close to me. Feeling deserving of my time, expecting access to my space.
Felt threatening. Started to panic every time he texted me. Oesophagus shrank till breathing felt like pressing wet sand through a sieve. I could feel the cage bars being slowly erected, ready to entrap me again.
That’s very dramatic. But it’s true. I couldn’t deal with it. Handled it not very well. Wanted to ghost him. Block his number and run for the hills. The girls told me not to do that. Which I appreciated. Not at the time. But I do now.
Anyway. No more dating. I was forcing it. Really was not ready for all that.
Think I just got to a point where I was sick of being sad. Became just way too fucking much. Stopped wanting to notice how hurt I was. So, I occupied myself with dates, flings, parties, anything, everything that was meaningfully meaningless. And that was great. Fun. I needed it. But they were all just distractions. Beautiful, wonderful distractions. Once they were gone, all I was left with was the pain of what Shane did.
Also, on a less depressing note, I’m really enjoying my freedom.
For the first time since I was 20, my life is mine. Wholly and completely mine. Not willing to let anyone get in the way of that. So yeah. Focusing on myself for a while. It’s good to be alone. To be sad. To feel it all, instead of suppressing it. Wait for it to get gradually less awful.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to let someone in again. I’m not convinced though. Kind of feel like, if it didn’t work with Shane, it won’t work with anyone.
Unsure of where I stand with him at the moment. Tentatively agreed to go for coffee when we saw each other. But I haven’t heard from him.
26th August
I got my own classes!! One of the teachers quit, so I am taking over the rest of her course. Spent last night panic-learning her choreo and was a brain-mushed zombie in class today. Not ideal. But think I maybe managed to play it off?
Pretended I wanted to go extra slow to focus on technique whilst flipping through the rolodex in my mind for the next step. Even asked them at one point, “What do you think should come next?”
Oops. Not great. Trying not to linger on that. Once this course is over, I’ll be able to do my own choreo for the class. Much easier. Was fun either way. Got me out of my head.
Which is good timing. Because the divorce proceedings have officially commenced.
Woo.
Got off to a banging start, with Shane sending me a link to a “DIY divorce” website. Way to hit the ground running. Called him then.
I kind of thought we had reached the stage where friendship might be possible. I was good. He was good. Or, seemed it, at least.
But then. On that FaceTime. He was like a whole different person. I don’t know. It was so weird. Barely recognised him. His eyes may as well have changed colour, so foreign did he look to me. He was cold. Guarded and kind of rude. I was trying to be normal. Ended up feeling like a toddler talking to a hungover adult who wants nothing to do with them. My body rearranged itself into the old me. Carved inwards, clenching and fidgeting again. Didn’t even know I’d stopped doing that. But, apparently, I had.
Wracking my brain for an explanation as to what caused the switch-up in him. What I did to anger him. Having no luck with it. Maybe something happened. In his life. I wouldn’t know. Am no longer privy to the goings-on of his day-to-day.
Think he might be seeing someone. We spoke about it. The other night. Felt alright to do at the time. Probably have the €5 Aperols, that tasted like they may have been laced with just a few drops of rocket fuel, to thank for that.
He said he’d been dating. Like, properly dating. As in vetting people for a relationship. Very different to what I’ve been doing. Can’t wrap my head around how he’s ready for that. Said it was because he wants to have kids as soon as possible. He’s really doubling down on that, I guess. Made me feel shitty. Obviously. But whatever. Suppose he’s not leaving our marriage with the same trauma and trust issues that I am.
Must. Be. Nice.
Mum was watching that movie “Sliding Doors” last night. Again. She’s obsessed, convinced it’s the most marvellous piece of art ever created. I watched some of it with her. It is pretty good, to be fair.
Very relatable. Does somewhat feel like I’ve been pulled into this parallel timeline by one seemingly inconsequential decision.
The reality in which Shane and I never broke up feels close enough that it seems possible I could slip through the fabric of existence and wake up back there.
And maybe we’d be at home together. I’d be talking about rearranging the furniture again. It never felt quite right where it was. And he’d be making dinner. Trying to add garlic to the recipe even though he knows I hate it. And I’d catch him. And he’d act surprised. Like I haven’t told him that a million times before.
Oh. Wow. I’ve just talked myself out of missing him. That was easy. Nice. Progress.
Have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Expensive business. €300. An hour! Gagged on my breath when I read that. Why does anyone bother getting married? Why did I? Don’t even think it was something I wanted. Just all kind-of happened. Anyway. That’s a rabbit hole for another day. Need to practice this choreo again. Teaching first thing in the morning, then straight to the lawyer’s office after work.
At the very least, I can be certain about one thing.
My life is definitely different.
And better. Definitely better.
Keep Reading Here - Entry #15 - And Life Goes On.
